Romantintervention
by CatrinaSL
Summary: (Or, Out With It; We All Know Your Secret Anyway) Tony is convinced that there is some unresolved sexual tension in the Tower. So of course he stages an intervention to fix the problem.
**Disclaimer:** I do not own the Marvel Cinematic Universe. If I did, there would be a series of shorts about everyday life in Avengers Tower that would _make millions_

* * *

Tony liked to brag that there were no secrets in the Tower. (It's usually when Pepper chimed in with something like "What about those HYDRA agents who tried to kill us when S.H.I.E.L.D. fell?") He had discovered Bruce's secret affinity for those little cheese crackers with peanut butter sandwiched in between. He knew about Jane's ridiculously out of control collection of boy shorts. He had even uncovered the reason for Clint's tendency to hang out in the ventilation system (or so he claimed): "Dude's got a nudey magazine stash up there somewhere, I swear."

So when he gathered everyone in the Avengers' common area and announced that no one was leaving until the sexual tension was resolved, everyone cast sidelong glances at each other and zipped their lips.

Darcy sighed and perched on the kitchen counter next to Steve, who was alternately glaring at Tony and the floor. Pepper took a seat at one of the spindly chairs in the breakfast nook across from Bruce, who was massaging his knuckles nervously. Natasha let out a noise of exasperation and crossed her arms. Clint rolled his eyes, but Darcy could see him scanning the room, probably looking for an unconventional escape route. Jane was looking at her watch; she and Thor had a date, and until he showed up, Darcy knew she was stuck. The Instigator Himself just leaned against the wall, smirking at everyone in turn.

No one said anything, and Darcy could feel the tension in the room slowly going up.

To no one's surprise, Steve broke first.

To everyone's surprise, he stormed over to Pepper and crashed his lips against hers.

Darcy clapped a hand over her mouth to hold back her flabbergasted giggles, and shot Jane a look of disbelief. Jane shrugged at her. Darcy turned her widened eyes to Natasha next, but she only cocked her head back at the center of attention, where Darcy could see Pepper preventing Steve's escape with her arm around his neck.

Lightning crashed on the balcony outside, and the appearance of a thunder god there caused all unplanned makeouts indoors to cease.

Jane let out a breath. "Finally."

Thor strode inside as Pepper stood up, and Steve stumbled back from her, blushing even more than he had the time he'd walked in on Darcy's Girls' Night rendition of skinny dipping at high school summer camp.

"Greetings, Friends!" Thor boomed out, as he placed an arm around Jane's shoulders. "I would not have thought to find you all gathered in one place. Were you awaiting my arrival?"

"Tony's convinced that there's some unresolved sexual tension in the Tower and told us all we can't leave until we come clean," Jane informed him.

"Ah." Thor seemed to grasp the situation well, because he turned to Darcy immediately. "In that case, Darcy, you should know that I believe that you are very beautiful and a wonderful companion with whom to pass the time. Jane has possession of my heart, and so these beliefs will never be expressed in any other way than these honest words and my freely given friendship."

"A crush," Jane translated. "You have a crush on Darcy."

Thor tossed a look at Tony. "Will that suffice?"

Tony looked supremely amused, and gave a shrug.

"Are you going to change before we get sushi?" Jane asked him.

"If that is your wish;" the armor-clad Thor replied, "however, is there anything that you would like to say first?"

Jane blushed crimson, then rushed out her confession: "...Clint is hot!" She turned beseechingly to Tony. "Can we go now?"

Tony chuckled softly, and nodded.

Jane grabbed Thor's hand and tugged him out of the room, avoiding eye contact with any and all archers in the vicinity.

"I think it's time for my exit," Pepper said, as Jane and Thor disappeared down the hallway. Steve turned to follow them, but Pepper caught his wrist. "I hope you're happy," she told Tony, and pulled the super soldier out the door behind her.

Darcy felt Natasha's eyes on her, so she looked at Bruce instead. "Me next?" he volunteered. "I'm just here for the science."

Tony's expression didn't change, so Darcy didn't know whether this was an acceptable answer.

"I can go," she said, with a raised hand. "I'm with Jane; Clint is super hot. Also Tony. And Steve. Actually, all of you are. Natasha, you're slammin'. And I would have your Hulk-babies, Bruce. For real. You'd be a great dad."

Bruce laughed. "Well, thanks for that, Darcy, but it's not going to happen. Not that—" he blushed and backpedaled. "You're very—" he tangled a hand in his hair. "What Thor said. Yeah. Friendship."

Darcy let out a breath of laughter. "Right back at ya, Science Bro."

They both looked at Tony, but he was having a staring contest with Natasha.

A full minute passed, then finally she rolled her eyes and pulled out her phone. "Rhodey. Hey. Yeah, Tony knows about the thing." She paused for a moment, and Darcy could tell that it was not to listen to anything Colonel Rhodes was saying, but to glare into Tony's smirking face. "Unless he _doesn't_ know, and I've just made a fool of myself." She ground her teeth. "It's the latter. Excellent. Well, now that that's out in the open, how about my place tonight? 9? Bring some egg rolls. Yeah, I know." She ended the call and bowed for her audience.

Tony burst out laughing.

Natasha turned on her heel and strode out of the room, which was when Darcy noticed that Clint had disappeared. A nearby vent cover lay on the floor, a tell to his method of exit.

"Did you know?" Bruce asked Tony. "About Natasha and Colonel Rhodes?"

Tony shrugged. "Not from anything _she_ said. But when Rhodey asks about the team, he always says, 'how is Natasha' and _then_ 'how are the Avengers.' It wasn't hard to figure out."

"So is that why you...?"

Tony shook his head. "No, but Pepper and Cap!" He let out a cackle, then turned to Darcy. "Did you see that coming?"

"No more than Thor's crush on _me_!" she replied. "Me."

Bruce stood and placed a hand on her shoulder. "He's right, though, Darcy. You're a wonderful person." With a blush, he added, "And a very pretty one, too."

"Aw, Bruce!" She smiled and reached a hand up to squeeze his.

"Am I free to go?" Bruce asked Tony.

"Your mistress awaits," Tony replied, ushering Bruce toward the elevator that would take him back to his lab.

"Clint escaped rather than face questioning," Darcy reported as soon as they were alone.

Tony nodded. "I figured."

"So he takes the intel and runs? That's not a fair trade."

"Wife and kids," Tony reported.

"No way!"

He shrugged and gave her a nod. "It's why he's always in the ventilation system. His daughter will only video chat with him if he's —" He pointed to the open duct in the ceiling that was missing its cover, "—hanging upside down."

Darcy laughed. "Well, this was an informative afternoon. So much Tower gossip material!" She hopped down off of the counter and turned toward her room.

"Yeah," Tony agreed, walking alongside her. "But none of that was the reason I called the meeting."

Darcy snorted. "You're kidding me, right?"

"The entire reason I got everybody together was to find out the feelings of _one_ person."

"The Natasha and Rhodey thing?" Darcy asked, frowning.

He poked a finger into her arm. "You _like_ me," he accused.

Darcy opened her mouth to protest. "I... think you're..." She gestured at him. "Anyone can see that you're attractive."

" _You_ can," Tony leered.

"Yes," Darcy agreed, "Me, _and_ everyone else."

Tony only smiled.

"So you staged a big Romance Intervention... Romancervention? Roman...tin...tervention? To see how _I_ feel?"

"The rest was just icing on the cake," Tony replied, waving a hand. "Seriously, Pepper and Cap! Even if you don't have any desire to kiss me right now, it was totally worth it."

Darcy faltered at her door. "If _I_ do? Hang on; do _you_?"

"Do I have a desire to kiss me? Always."

Darcy rolled her eyes. "Do you..." she pointed at him, then at herself, raising both eyebrows. "...me?"

He shrugged nonchalantly. "I'm sweet on you, Lewis. I thought you knew."

"Wow, I guess I can't tell the difference between snarky but harmless flirting and 'hey, I'm Tony Stark and I actually want to kiss you,'" she admitted.

Tony turned and pinned her up against the wall, slipping one hand around her waist. "Hey," he said. "I'm Tony Stark, and I actually want to kiss you."

"Well," Darcy said with a smirk, as she curled her hands up behind his neck. "You could have just _said_ so."

* * *

 **Author's Note (March 11th, 2016):** Hey here I am on the tumbls (catrinasl), twitter (AT CoAwesomeness , w/ Stella of course because she is amazing),  & ao3 (CatrinaSL), also my fic blog or whatever (iwillwriteyourfic DOT blogspot DOT com)


End file.
